Circle Game

One of my very favorite songs from childhood is by Joni Mitchell (thanks to my dad for his great taste in music). The song is entitled "Circle Game". I'm not sure if it was popular in its day, but from my first listen, I was hooked. The song is basically the story of a child growing up from toddler years through young adulthood.

The chorus of the song says:
" And the seasons, they go 'round and 'round
And the painted ponies go up and down
We're captive on a carousel of time
We can't return, we can only look behind
From where we came
And go round and round and round
In the circle game."

I was back in Knoxville a couple of weeks ago, and this song seemed to be the anthem of my trip. I arrived on a Saturday, and headed to my parents' house to see my nephew and celebrate his 12th birthday. From there, I proceeded to the hospital to visit my sweet Maymee (see previous post for more info). I talked with her some, watched her sleep some, and cried a good bit. In that first day I was able to celebrate the vitality and youthful energy of my nephew and cousins and to see my grandmother struggling to continue living.

Throughout the course of my visit, I shared coffee with a dear friend whose marriage seems to be falling apart and had lunch with another friend who was asked me to stand up as a bridesmaid in her wedding. I was an emotional wreck by the end of my visit - exhausted by the constant rise and fall, surrounded by such joy and such sorrow. The thing is, I didn't realize at the time, but it was all so beautiful - even the hard parts.

With this week of experience behind me, I've been thinking a lot about life and death; beginnings and endings; my own idea of 'good' vs. 'bad' things, 'happy' vs. 'sad' events. And all of this contemplating led to me spend some time reading and praying. Today I came to the passage in Ecclesiastes 3, which states that "For everything there is a season". There is "a time to be born and a time to die"; "a time to weep and a time to laugh"; "a time to mourn and a time to dance". I'm still working through and processing this passage. For right now, however, I am finding comfort in the fact that God says that "that there is a time for everything". I know that the timing is HIS - that He is in control and that Romans 8:28 is true: He is working ALL THINGS for GOOD (not necessarily happiness, but GOOD).

So, I am going to choose to be thankful for and to see the beauty in everything because I am trusting 1) that it is in God's timing and 2) He is working through ALL of those things for the good of those who love Him.


Enough rambling for now...back to studying. CPA Exam (part 1) in approximately 4 weeks!

One of "Those Days"

Today has been a hard day.

I got a message from my brother earlier about my sweet Maymee. She is 92 years old, and one of the best storytellers ever. She also loves Jesus, a lot, and I want to be like her when I grow up. But, being 92 comes with its challenges. Today's challenge was that her legs were hurting her so badly that she could not stand up from the chair she was sitting in. My brother went to her house to try and help, but she is too proud for that. So, she just stayed in her chair. Angry, I'm sure, and frustrated and sad. Besides her failing body, Maymee has been struggling with loneliness, especially in the past couple of years. My Pap died when I was 10, and she's recently lost her little sister as well as a dear friend and Sunday school student. I can only imagine the isolation that comes with being the last of your generation in a community. I'm sure that as much as we all love and respect her no one truly understands her, because we haven't lived through the same life span she has.

This is Maymee and I at one of our wedding showers last summer.





Just a few minutes ago, I found out that my other grandmother, Nan, who played an integral role in raising me, has an infection because she cut her hand last week. Her skin is so thin and fragile, that the slightest bump or scratch tear it. She's also losing mobility quickly, and she's not able to do the things she is used to being able to do. This woman, who inspired in me the love of food and hospitality, can't garden or cook or clean up the way she would like. She can't go out to the mall or to eat for as long as she'd like. She's just tired.


Nan with my 2 nephews a couple of summers ago.















This is definitely one of the hardest things about living 9 hours away from my family. I can't be there to hug or love or do for or comfort these ladies who have meant so much to me.

So, this post could just be a rant or a vent or something of that sort. But, it isn't going to be that, because we serve a God who promises to be our Comforter. I'm choosing to let Him comfort me, and I pray that my grandmothers will feel His comfort, too.

Some awesome promises from God and reminders about His goodness to us:

Even to your old age and gray hairs I am he, I am he who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you. Isaiah 46:4
(especially cool for my lovely grandmothers)

Shout for joy, O heavens; rejoice, O earth; burst into song, O mountains! For the LORD comforts his people and will have compassion on his afflicted ones. Isaiah 49:13

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4


So tonight, after one of "those days", instead of being sad, I am living in the Lord's promise of comfort. I can feel it in me. I can feel His peace. Praising Him for that tonight.

The In Between

Tonight I will take my last final of graduate school. Then, next Friday - May 14, 2010 - I will receive my Master's degree. At this point I have no plans of going back to school for my Ph.D., so it looks like my 17-year relationship with the education system is coming to an end, and quickly. I have been so looking forward to this day for so long. I am tired of the tests and papers and endless (and sometimes pointless) homework assignments. I'm tired of having to stay up late stressing about whether or not I have a good enough grasp on the information in front of me. Basically, I'm tired of school.

I found out a couple of weeks ago that I will be starting my big girl job in October. It is finally time for me to put my accounting skills to work. I am so excited for this new opportunity, this new challenge. But, if I'm completely honest with myself, I'm also a little - or a lot- scared. I feel like over the past couple of years, I've spent so much time looking forward to this moment, being free from the bonds of school and open to explore the working world. But now that it is here, I am afraid. It is uncertain. School was certain. Even when I moved to New Orleans last year and started at a new university, I pretty much knew what to expect. Schools, in general, are pretty similar: there are professors, and books and I understood the expectations on me. Now, I'm going to be starting work where I will have a different boss for each client I'm on. I'm sure it will take time for me to figure out what exactly each of my bosses expects of me. And then there are the unspoken expectations about how smart I am. Do I really know the material I learned in school in an applicable way? Or did I just learn by rote memorization, just long enough to pass a test? Was it a good choice to hire me? Should they keep me around? Scary stuff. Lots of pressure.

So, today, with many thoughts floating in my head (remembering and cherishing my school years and anticipating the adventures that are to come) I am very grateful to have this summer. It will be my In Between. I am done with school, but I won't have a full time job yet. I'm hoping to take that time to process all these thoughts and emotions, to prepare myself for the future. I'll be working part-time and studying for the CPA exam. I'll be riding my new bike around Uptown. I'll be visiting Knoxville, my family, and old friends. I'll be going to the beach. And most importantly I'll have free time, for probably the only time in my life. I'll have time to think and read and swing on the front porch and process all these things.

I share all of that to say that I'm glad that God gives us good gifts. For me, my In Between is one gift I am very much looking forward to. It is something I very much need.

Don't Worry

...bet you were thinking I would finish with a "Be Happy". I'm not. In fact, I think I've found a better ending. "Don't Worry. Seek Christ." Now I just need someone to rewrite the song based on this new title...

Okay, getting off topic, but I just wanted to share a bit on a topic that is a daily struggle for me - worry.

On Sunday at Vintage, we continued our journey through the Sermon on the Mount. This week, we were in Matthew 6:25-34. Several times during his message, Rob encouraged us: Don't Worry. Seek Christ! These words have been in my head and on my heart since Sunday morning.

For those who know me at all, it is obvious that one of my most prominent characteristics is that I worry...about everything...all the time. I worry about whether I will be late to class. I worry about how I will do on this test or that project. I worry if Matt will like the dinner I made. I worry about my tail light being out. I also take on the worries of others. I worry if Matt is sleeping enough. I worry if my friend ever find a job. Get the picture? Basically, I spend a large portion of my time in this state of mind, constantly stressed, rarely at ease.

I was absolutely convicted when Rob shared a quote from a commentary he'd read in preparing this sermon. I'll paraphrase: In our worry, what we are really doing is dethroning God and saying that is is really us who control the future.

Wow.

Those words hit me hard. Took the wind out of me. Made me truly want to change my worrying ways. I am aware that a certain amount of caution and concern is good, but I know that my worry far surpasses a healthy level. As the text points out (in Matthew 6:25) "Is life not more than food, and the body more than clothing?". I feel like so often I worry about the food and clothing - all the little things - that are really quite significant in the grand scheme of life. And I have, in fact, been keeping all these little things (my worries) from God, refusing to surrender them, as if in my worry I could control them, as if I could fix them. It sounds so dumb. Clearly I can't control the future. Obviously I can only do so much to control my performance in school. But I've been holding on to these worries (and others) so long that I began to subconsciously convince myself that if I spent enough time fretting over things, eventually I would understand a solution or I would receive the desired outcome, simply because I cared so much. That in some way I could control things. How dumb, right? I know. It just took me a while to truly realize the depth of my worry and the truth of what my worry really does (ignores the power of God and His control and puts it in my own hands). So, now that I've realized my problem, what's next? How can I let go of this worry in a real way, not just in a lip service kind of way?

Matthew 6:33 provides me with a solution: "But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you" (ESV). So, if I am truly seek Christ with all that I am and all that I have, then I won't have time to worry or be anxious about everything. If my heart and mind are focused centered on the One who controls the future, then I don't have to worry about the future so much. I am thankful for an omnipotent Lord who loves me and cares for me. I am glad to say today that I am resting in this truth. I know this won't be an easy task, especially since my worry is something I've been holding on to for a LONG time, but I am praying that I will daily surrender my worries and choose to follow Rob's advice. I encourage y'all to think about it too: Don't worry. Seek Christ.

It's Time!

No major insights today, just a couple of pics to celebrate an exciting time in NOLA - the opening of Hansen's, our favorite snow ball stand, which is only open during the summer months. There are no words to describe how refreshing and wonderful these icy treats taste on a hot afternoon. So, here's to Hansen's - the finest snow ballers in all the land.

My first flavor of the season was strawberry shortcake. Matt went for cream of coffee. Hansen's is famous for their cream flavors, and it is Matt's goal to try all of them by the end of the season.

Spring Cleaning

This week is my spring break. I am more thankful for this pause to my hectic schedule than I can express. I am so grateful to have a few days off from school and work, especially right before Easter. I'm so looking forward to the buildup this week has to offer, and anxiously awaiting the beauty of this Sunday. (For more on Holy Week, check out my friend Frankie's blog)

Yesterday, I woke up and decided to start a much-dreaded task: spring cleaning. It's not that I don't enjoy cleaning, ask any of my previous roommates. It's just that over the past few weeks (okay, months) leading up to break, with all the stress of school and busyness of life, our little apartment had gotten more than a little dirty. I wasn't even sure where to begin. After much contemplation (procrastination), I decided to tackle the kitchen first, starting with the pile of dishes in the sink, wiping down all counters, even cleaning the stove and the scrubbing the floors. Next I moved on to the bathroom and pretty much followed the same routine, cleaning all the hard surfaces and the floors. I felt a great sense of accomplishment (and exhaustion) when I completed my task. Today, I will move on to the living room/bedroom and do some major organizing. It feels wonderful to get everything put in its proper place. That way, maybe the next time Matt goes looking for his Supervised Ministry syllabus, we won't have to spend an hour going through all the piles of paper we have stacked everywhere.

I think that's the thing I love most about spring cleaning - clearing out the clutter I've gathered over these past months, wiping the dust off everything, and making it all shine.

I can't help but think sometimes that God must feel this way about us, as he clears away our clutter, wipes off this dust of ourselves, and puts us where we belong - with Him. Just wanted to share that quick thought. Now, I'm off to get my clean on.

Awakening

Over the past two weeks, spring has finally started to emerge from the depths of the cold gloomy New Orleans winter. The sun is shining more, the temperatures are becoming milder, and the flowers are beginning to bloom. It's as if everything is coming alive from the sleep of winter. I've been so excited for the change in season. My mood needed a season change. I was starting to feel as gray as the cloudy skies. I've noticed since the change in weather that I've been happier, more content about life in general.

Then, yesterday at Vintage we sang a new song called "Awakening", Chris Tomlin's new song off the Passion 2010 album. This song spoke to the way I have been feeling and has been on my heart and in my head since yesterday morning. My favorite lyrics (from the chorus):

"Like the rising sun that shines
Awake my soul, Awake my soul and sing
From the darkness comes a light
Awake my soul, Awake my soul and sing
Like the rising sun that shines
Awake my soul, Awake my soul and sing
Only You can raise a life
Awake my soul, Awake my soul and sing"

It's awesome to realize that in this same season as the earth begins its spring awakening, my spirit is beginning its Easter awakening. I am so excited to enjoy the beauty of the season for next few weeks as I prepare my heart to celebrate.