Relationships.

One of my favorite exclamations when a friend is sharing some sort of drama with me is ‘Ugh, People!’. I also find myself being comforted as I repeat those words to myself during a frustrating situation with a friend. It seems that relationships, whether family relationships, friendships or romantic relationships bring us the greatest joy in life and also provide the greatest heartache and frustration. I’ve told Matt many times that he is the one person who knows how to push every frustrating button I have but also knows how to melt my heart in an instant.

The thing about relationships is this – they involve people. And people, by our very nature, are sinful creatures. We mess up. We sin. We disappoint each other. We hurt feelings. How often I’ve decried the way I’ve been treated by someone with whom I share relationship only to realize a) that my own faults and actions have contributed to the problem or b) I’ve treated someone else the very way I have been hurt.

Another problem with relationships, at least for me, is the expectations, both spoken and unspoken, that are set, broken, reset, and on and on. I have this really bad habit of setting expectations for people I’m close to, and then not telling them. Of course eventually the expectation that I’ve set isn’t lived up to, and I get disappointed. Sometimes there is a big confrontation where I let the person know how I thought they should or would be doing (or not doing) this or that and it’s messy. Other times there is no physical confrontation but our relationship is affected nonetheless. All in all, I’m learning more in more the importance of clear and REAL communication that is necessary for a healthy relationship.

So if relationships are hard and people are messed up – why do I crave connection and communion with others? I think it’s because I believe that as humans, we were created to live in community, our lives filled with relationships. And this topic is one where the Lord has been growing me a lot lately. A few thoughts I’ve been pondering…

1. Relationships keep us accountable
Having moved to a new city not too long ago, I had to undertake the task of making new friends. It’s bad enough having to do this when you’re 12, but when you’re in your early 20s it’s much easier just to stick with the friends you know. Especially when you’re moving from East Tennessee to the Big Easy and you’re not sure if you’re cool enough. However, once I made the leap of faith, put myself out there, became vulnerable and shared my heart with people, I was amazed at how easy it is to make friends. The thing about doing that (sharing your heart and being vulnerable) is that once you share with people, they know the real you, and they can call you out when you act differently. The same can be said of old friends, too, who know even from your tone in a conversation if something is going on. I’m grateful for friends, new and old, who know my heart and love me enough to keep me accountable.

2. Relationship show us our weakness
Just reading about my own judgmental and expectation-driven attitude is probably enough to make you want to stop being my friend. But it turns out at least a few people have stuck it out with me. It is when I am able to see how my own actions, my own sinful nature, affects someone I care about, someone I’m in relationship with, that I am most willing and able to change quickly.

3. Relationships encourage us
So if relationship were all just about pointing out our negatives, we probably wouldn’t take the time to make them work. So despite the fact that your best friend, your boyfriend or your mom points out the fact that you’re rude and selfish (either by actually telling you or by showing you through their response to your actions), those people are also there to push you to be better. Having them by your side through the good times and the bad times makes the good times even sweeter and the bad times less bitter. There are hard times and tough situations I’ve had to walk through over the past couple of years, and the walk was made so much easier knowing I had friends and family walking beside me each step of the way. I love Ecclesiastes 4:12, which points out that ‘Though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him – a threefold cord is not quickly broken’.

So, for those of you who have put up with my hidden agendas, my unspoken expectations, my moodiness, all my quirks – thank you for being my friend! And for those of you I’m becoming friends with, I hope I didn’t scare you off. Lord knows I need you all!

Matt Blogs

Check out Matt's latest blog post about his first grilling adventure at the Brick House here. It's good stuff :)

The past few months...

Sitting here in my hotel room at the Hilton in Lafayette, I realized I hadn't blogged since the last time I was here. Guess that just goes to show what a whirlwind these past few months have been.


A few highlights...

1. I passed the CPA Exam (It was a MIRACLE)
2. We celebrated another Mardi Gras in the Big Easy
3. I survived Busy Season...just barely
4. Matt graduated from Seminary

...and a few pictures


Some of my girlfiends and I dressed up as "fruit flies" for Mardi Gras. Can anyone guess what fruit I am?










One of my new favorites of us. Taken Easter Sunday by the lovely Mary Catherine Sharp.

In February, I had the privilege of standing with my dear friend Katy when she married Stephen in Nashville. It was beautiful. She was beautiful. Jesus was present.

Of course life is more than milestones and snapshots, but these are some pretty big things we've had going on. I hope the lack of consistent blogs will be forgiven.


I'll be out of town, stationed here in Lafayette for the next couple of weeks. To be honest, I was kind of dreading the prospect of being away from my life and my friends. However, it has been so great over the past couple of days to see just how much I needed this time to pull away from the monontony of life.

And here, in the silence of my hotel room, the Lord has been prodding me. He's trying to teach me something. And I had to get out of my comfort zone, my daily life, in order to see it. I'm not sure exactly what He has in mind for me, but now that I've gotten my toes back in the blogging water, stay posted. I'm sure I won't be able to stop myself now that I've started.

What I'm Thankful For: Part 2

Psalm 145:7 "They will celebrate your goodness and joyfully sing of your righteousness."

So, I missed my self-imposed Thanksgiving deadline....but I am so thankful for these 3 things, that I figured better late than never.

Coffee

One of my favorite smells from childhood is the smell of Folger's brewing in my parent's kitchen. Funny, now that I'm a coffee drinker, I don't actually like the taste of Folger's, just the smell. I also remember my first trips to Starbuck's as a high schooler - just the word made me infinitely cooler (or so I thought). My favorite wedding gifts included our coffeemaker and my humongous green fiesta mugs. And now I honestly don't know what I'd do most mornings without a cup of my favorite hazlenut spice.


Indeed, coffee is one of life's greatest pleasures for me. There is something very soul soothing about a warm drink on a cold morning. As much as I enjoy the warmth and smell and the taste, though, some of my favorite coffee memories involve having heart to hearts over a cup of joe - whether at the Golden Roast on UT's campus meeting with Heather or Frankie, sitting in my parent's kitchen talking to my Mom or Nan, at Slim Goodies with Matt (best coffee in NOLA) or the Starbuck's on Maple Street venting to Shannon, I'm so grateful for all of those times, all the lessons I've learned, all the advice I've given and received. So, thank you Lord for coffee - and for talks.



Failure

Okay, this is honestly a tough subject for me. As a recovering perfectionist, acknowledging my imperfection is a daily struggle for me. There is something deep within that I have to constantly battle, telling me that anything but 'the best' (whatever that is) isn't good enough. I'm sad to say I often project my tendencies onto others as well. So wouldn't you know that God has to continually teach me that He has called me to a life surrendered to Him, not a life of perfection in my own eyes. How does he teach me this? Through failure.


Last week I received some bad news. Terrible news, actually, for this girl who tries to define her self worth based on standards of perfection. I found out that I FAILED a section of the CPA exam. Not only did I not make a perfect score. I didn't even pass! Immediately my thoughts turned to: 1. What will everyone think when they find out I'm not perfect? (as if y'all didn't already know...) 2. Since failing this test means I'm clearly unintelligent, how can I set myself apart now? 3. Am I still loveable even if I'm not the best at everything? <-- Clearly these were all rational thoughts, right? Sounds like failure is great for me! But here is why I'm thankful for failures. Because in the middle of my self-doubt, self-pity, and despair, the Lord picks me up and pulls me close and lets me know that I am good enough, not because of anything I ever did or will do or even could do, but because He says I am good enough, He sacrificed his own son to make me good enough. So, yes, I am thankful for my failures. As hard as they are and as much as they hurt, I feel them drawing me closer to my Lord, and for that, I am grateful.

Marriage (saved the best for last)

Matt and I celebrated our one year anniversary just over a week ago. We enjoyed a romantic staycation downtown capped off with a fabulous dinner at Restaurant August. He's too good to me! Over the course of the weekend we talked a lot about what we had learned during our first year, our favorite memories, etc. It was a great time to reconnect and recenter ourselves.


I share all of that to share that marriage has been a great teacher for me. I've learned more about myself through being married than I ever did through any sort of self-exploration/contemplation on my own. It seems that when you live in a confined space with another person 24 hours a day 7 days a week, your true colors can't help but show themselves (the pretty colors and the ugly ones). I've learned that I'm not as great of a communicator as I thought I was, that I don't take constructive criticism well (see #2 above), I am verrry cranky when I'm tired or hungry, I freak out randomly when things aren't clean but I'm messy in my own way, and that deep down, I'm kind of selfish. I've also learned how to take care of someone, how to fight fair, and how to compromise (he does dishes I do laundry). As I round out my thankful list for this year, I am thankful for Matt, and for marriage, and for learning and growing together.

And finally, with the month of November and Thanksgiving coming to a close and December and the season of Advent beginning, as people's minds shift from an attitude of thankfulness for the blessings already received to expectancy for the future, I'll sign off with a heart full of gratitude and hope.

What I'm Thankful For: Part 1

Wow, it’s been a while. (Seems like I said this the last time I blogged…). I am going to do my best not to allow all of my recent thoughts and ponderings to land on this small page all at one time. Instead, in honor of Thanksgiving, I’ve come up with a series of blogs to post this month: What I’m Thankful For (clichéd, and bit overdone, I know, but I am so full of gratitude that I have to share).

But before I begin, a quick recap of the past 3 months: I studied a lot for the CPA exam and even took another section (still waiting to hear back my score); Matt started his final year of Seminary; and I started my real-life grown up job. So, needless to say, we’ve been slightly distracted from blogging by actually living life. However, I enjoy writing and sharing or stories too much to stay away. So, here we are now.

Okay, so this series is going to be a weekly reflection of things I’m thankful for. I think it will be a challenge for me to have to whittle down my cup that overflows with blessings into four weeks’ worth of blogs, but that is a challenge I’m looking forward to.

Then, without further ado, I will begin…

Today, I am thankful for my friends and family. Now, to many people this might seem a bit strange, why wouldn’t I devote two weeks to these two groups of people who have played such influential roles in me becoming who I am? For me, it is clear. I don’t necessarily see a distinction between these groups: my family members are also my friends and many of my friends are as close as my family.

Family

I am thankful for a family who has loved and supported me over the years. For my parents, who have taken care of me for so long, from my premature birth to waking me up to feed me every three hours, to the rides to dance class, piano lessons, the purchasing of twirling costumes and many many sets of hair rollers, to homework help and poster painting, to Eggo waffle making and driving lessons, I am so blessed to have parents who have encouraged and nurtured me. And the support has continued as I’ve grown up, gotten married and moved away. I know the moving away part wasn’t exactly in my parents’ plan, but I am so grateful for their understanding.

My parents aren’t the only ones who raised me, though. I had aunts and uncles and cousins (oh my!) who have all played vital roles in my life: from the cards and encouragement, to teaching me in Sunday School and Youth, to encouraging love of music and culture, I wouldn’t be who I am without them. And I think it’s pretty clear now how I feel about my grandmothers: Nan, who makes the best biscuits in the world and knows how to get a stain out of anything, and Maymee who I lost this summer, are 2 of the strongest, best women I know. And who can forget my bro, Lewis Tate. From the outside, we’re pretty different people. Tate is 7 years older than I am, and he’s a boy. Growing up, we didn’t have much in common, or like each other much, if we’re honest. (Okay, I liked him ‘cause he had cute older friends, and he didn’t like me ‘cause I was his annoying little sis). But as I’ve grown up and he’s gotten older, I realize that Tate and I have this unexplainable bond. He understands me, and why I think the way I do about a lot of things. I’m so grateful to have his advice and his listening ear in a lot of situations. I’m also grateful that he married a really awesome girl and that they have the 2 coolest kids EVER.

And now, for about a year, I’m so blessed with a group of in-laws who love and treat me like I’m their own. I feel like my family has doubled in size, and that feels good.

Friends

As you grow up and branch out (for me that started young, at daycare), you realize that your family won’t be with you everywhere you go, so it will be necessary to form relationships with people outside that unit. I am beyond blessed to have had some of the most wonderful people surrounding me over these past 23 years.

I’m thankful for friends who listen and speak truth to me (even when I don’t want to hear it). I’m thankful for encouragers, for the fun friends who share new music with me, for friends who inspire me. I’m thankful for friends who disciple me, and who make me want to be better. I’m thankful for the fights I’ve had with friends, which have taught me how to make peace and mend fences. I’m thankful for friends who cry with me, friends who share in my joy. Friends who pray with me and for me.

So, friends out there, you who have put up with me and my awkwardness, my selfishness, my perfectionism and unrealistic expectations – I’m so grateful for you, for sticking with me, for loving me well, and for helping me want to love others just the same.

And now, what I’m learning is that a lot of times, as you grow up, especially when you live far away from your biological family, your friends become like family. It’s kind of crazy, but I don’t feel like I just have 1 brother any more – I have lots of them, and sisters, too!

Today, I am taking the time to thank the Lord for the blessing of family and of friends, people whose love and support for me mean so much more than they will know, who have shaped my life in so many ways, and without whom I’d be lost and lonely.

Note: Don’t worry, I haven’t left Matt out completely from this thankful list. I’ll be thankful for him in a couple of weeks, probably around our anniversary :-)

A New Day

So, it's been a while. Too long, in fact, since I sat down and blogged. I find this time oddly therapeutic so I know I should definitely do it more, but lately I've just felt out of sorts. July was a hard month. Matt and I traveled to Knoxville for a few days to spend some time with family, and just over a week later I headed back up to say goodbye to my sweet Maymee. The next week I took the first section of the CPA exam, and nearly had a nervous breakdown in the meantime. (Okay maybe the nervous breakdown part is a bit of an exaggeration, but there were some rough moments). I was just so out of my routine and felt pulled in so many directions. So, suffice to say, I was relieved to flip the calendar page to a new month.

And what a month it has been. On August 1, we traded in the keys to the Loft (which, may I remind you was 300 square feet) for the keys to a roomy new apartment (at least triple the size) with a front porch and picket fence to boot! We've been settling in, unpacking and organizing this past week, and making plans for ways we can continue to make the place even more "us". The truth is, as thankful as we are for the opportunity afforded to us through the Loft, neither of us ever really settled there. I never got the chance to nest or paint or really decorate. I think it was because we knew how temporary it was.

Anyway, I wanted to post a few pictures of the new place.




View from the front door.

Note: We will be painting over the bright red walls in the near future.








The other side of the living room. We are the proud owners of this, our first couch. It's a sleeper sofa, so visitors, feel free to come on down!

Also, notice our lovely bookshelf which we put together in only 3 very long, stressful hours.

This is the view from the living room, through the kitchen area back into the bedroom and bathroom. Our new place is a New Orleans-style shotgun, which means you have to walk through each of the rooms to get from the front of the house to the back.

We'll try to be good about posting pictures more regularly as we make changes and update the place.

As for me, I'm feeling more at home here every day...and I'm feeling more myself. I think I'm finally coming out of my July funk and very much looking forward to what August (and beyond) has to offer.

Circle Game

One of my very favorite songs from childhood is by Joni Mitchell (thanks to my dad for his great taste in music). The song is entitled "Circle Game". I'm not sure if it was popular in its day, but from my first listen, I was hooked. The song is basically the story of a child growing up from toddler years through young adulthood.

The chorus of the song says:
" And the seasons, they go 'round and 'round
And the painted ponies go up and down
We're captive on a carousel of time
We can't return, we can only look behind
From where we came
And go round and round and round
In the circle game."

I was back in Knoxville a couple of weeks ago, and this song seemed to be the anthem of my trip. I arrived on a Saturday, and headed to my parents' house to see my nephew and celebrate his 12th birthday. From there, I proceeded to the hospital to visit my sweet Maymee (see previous post for more info). I talked with her some, watched her sleep some, and cried a good bit. In that first day I was able to celebrate the vitality and youthful energy of my nephew and cousins and to see my grandmother struggling to continue living.

Throughout the course of my visit, I shared coffee with a dear friend whose marriage seems to be falling apart and had lunch with another friend who was asked me to stand up as a bridesmaid in her wedding. I was an emotional wreck by the end of my visit - exhausted by the constant rise and fall, surrounded by such joy and such sorrow. The thing is, I didn't realize at the time, but it was all so beautiful - even the hard parts.

With this week of experience behind me, I've been thinking a lot about life and death; beginnings and endings; my own idea of 'good' vs. 'bad' things, 'happy' vs. 'sad' events. And all of this contemplating led to me spend some time reading and praying. Today I came to the passage in Ecclesiastes 3, which states that "For everything there is a season". There is "a time to be born and a time to die"; "a time to weep and a time to laugh"; "a time to mourn and a time to dance". I'm still working through and processing this passage. For right now, however, I am finding comfort in the fact that God says that "that there is a time for everything". I know that the timing is HIS - that He is in control and that Romans 8:28 is true: He is working ALL THINGS for GOOD (not necessarily happiness, but GOOD).

So, I am going to choose to be thankful for and to see the beauty in everything because I am trusting 1) that it is in God's timing and 2) He is working through ALL of those things for the good of those who love Him.


Enough rambling for now...back to studying. CPA Exam (part 1) in approximately 4 weeks!