The past few months...

Sitting here in my hotel room at the Hilton in Lafayette, I realized I hadn't blogged since the last time I was here. Guess that just goes to show what a whirlwind these past few months have been.


A few highlights...

1. I passed the CPA Exam (It was a MIRACLE)
2. We celebrated another Mardi Gras in the Big Easy
3. I survived Busy Season...just barely
4. Matt graduated from Seminary

...and a few pictures


Some of my girlfiends and I dressed up as "fruit flies" for Mardi Gras. Can anyone guess what fruit I am?










One of my new favorites of us. Taken Easter Sunday by the lovely Mary Catherine Sharp.

In February, I had the privilege of standing with my dear friend Katy when she married Stephen in Nashville. It was beautiful. She was beautiful. Jesus was present.

Of course life is more than milestones and snapshots, but these are some pretty big things we've had going on. I hope the lack of consistent blogs will be forgiven.


I'll be out of town, stationed here in Lafayette for the next couple of weeks. To be honest, I was kind of dreading the prospect of being away from my life and my friends. However, it has been so great over the past couple of days to see just how much I needed this time to pull away from the monontony of life.

And here, in the silence of my hotel room, the Lord has been prodding me. He's trying to teach me something. And I had to get out of my comfort zone, my daily life, in order to see it. I'm not sure exactly what He has in mind for me, but now that I've gotten my toes back in the blogging water, stay posted. I'm sure I won't be able to stop myself now that I've started.

What I'm Thankful For: Part 2

Psalm 145:7 "They will celebrate your goodness and joyfully sing of your righteousness."

So, I missed my self-imposed Thanksgiving deadline....but I am so thankful for these 3 things, that I figured better late than never.

Coffee

One of my favorite smells from childhood is the smell of Folger's brewing in my parent's kitchen. Funny, now that I'm a coffee drinker, I don't actually like the taste of Folger's, just the smell. I also remember my first trips to Starbuck's as a high schooler - just the word made me infinitely cooler (or so I thought). My favorite wedding gifts included our coffeemaker and my humongous green fiesta mugs. And now I honestly don't know what I'd do most mornings without a cup of my favorite hazlenut spice.


Indeed, coffee is one of life's greatest pleasures for me. There is something very soul soothing about a warm drink on a cold morning. As much as I enjoy the warmth and smell and the taste, though, some of my favorite coffee memories involve having heart to hearts over a cup of joe - whether at the Golden Roast on UT's campus meeting with Heather or Frankie, sitting in my parent's kitchen talking to my Mom or Nan, at Slim Goodies with Matt (best coffee in NOLA) or the Starbuck's on Maple Street venting to Shannon, I'm so grateful for all of those times, all the lessons I've learned, all the advice I've given and received. So, thank you Lord for coffee - and for talks.



Failure

Okay, this is honestly a tough subject for me. As a recovering perfectionist, acknowledging my imperfection is a daily struggle for me. There is something deep within that I have to constantly battle, telling me that anything but 'the best' (whatever that is) isn't good enough. I'm sad to say I often project my tendencies onto others as well. So wouldn't you know that God has to continually teach me that He has called me to a life surrendered to Him, not a life of perfection in my own eyes. How does he teach me this? Through failure.


Last week I received some bad news. Terrible news, actually, for this girl who tries to define her self worth based on standards of perfection. I found out that I FAILED a section of the CPA exam. Not only did I not make a perfect score. I didn't even pass! Immediately my thoughts turned to: 1. What will everyone think when they find out I'm not perfect? (as if y'all didn't already know...) 2. Since failing this test means I'm clearly unintelligent, how can I set myself apart now? 3. Am I still loveable even if I'm not the best at everything? <-- Clearly these were all rational thoughts, right? Sounds like failure is great for me! But here is why I'm thankful for failures. Because in the middle of my self-doubt, self-pity, and despair, the Lord picks me up and pulls me close and lets me know that I am good enough, not because of anything I ever did or will do or even could do, but because He says I am good enough, He sacrificed his own son to make me good enough. So, yes, I am thankful for my failures. As hard as they are and as much as they hurt, I feel them drawing me closer to my Lord, and for that, I am grateful.

Marriage (saved the best for last)

Matt and I celebrated our one year anniversary just over a week ago. We enjoyed a romantic staycation downtown capped off with a fabulous dinner at Restaurant August. He's too good to me! Over the course of the weekend we talked a lot about what we had learned during our first year, our favorite memories, etc. It was a great time to reconnect and recenter ourselves.


I share all of that to share that marriage has been a great teacher for me. I've learned more about myself through being married than I ever did through any sort of self-exploration/contemplation on my own. It seems that when you live in a confined space with another person 24 hours a day 7 days a week, your true colors can't help but show themselves (the pretty colors and the ugly ones). I've learned that I'm not as great of a communicator as I thought I was, that I don't take constructive criticism well (see #2 above), I am verrry cranky when I'm tired or hungry, I freak out randomly when things aren't clean but I'm messy in my own way, and that deep down, I'm kind of selfish. I've also learned how to take care of someone, how to fight fair, and how to compromise (he does dishes I do laundry). As I round out my thankful list for this year, I am thankful for Matt, and for marriage, and for learning and growing together.

And finally, with the month of November and Thanksgiving coming to a close and December and the season of Advent beginning, as people's minds shift from an attitude of thankfulness for the blessings already received to expectancy for the future, I'll sign off with a heart full of gratitude and hope.

What I'm Thankful For: Part 1

Wow, it’s been a while. (Seems like I said this the last time I blogged…). I am going to do my best not to allow all of my recent thoughts and ponderings to land on this small page all at one time. Instead, in honor of Thanksgiving, I’ve come up with a series of blogs to post this month: What I’m Thankful For (clichéd, and bit overdone, I know, but I am so full of gratitude that I have to share).

But before I begin, a quick recap of the past 3 months: I studied a lot for the CPA exam and even took another section (still waiting to hear back my score); Matt started his final year of Seminary; and I started my real-life grown up job. So, needless to say, we’ve been slightly distracted from blogging by actually living life. However, I enjoy writing and sharing or stories too much to stay away. So, here we are now.

Okay, so this series is going to be a weekly reflection of things I’m thankful for. I think it will be a challenge for me to have to whittle down my cup that overflows with blessings into four weeks’ worth of blogs, but that is a challenge I’m looking forward to.

Then, without further ado, I will begin…

Today, I am thankful for my friends and family. Now, to many people this might seem a bit strange, why wouldn’t I devote two weeks to these two groups of people who have played such influential roles in me becoming who I am? For me, it is clear. I don’t necessarily see a distinction between these groups: my family members are also my friends and many of my friends are as close as my family.

Family

I am thankful for a family who has loved and supported me over the years. For my parents, who have taken care of me for so long, from my premature birth to waking me up to feed me every three hours, to the rides to dance class, piano lessons, the purchasing of twirling costumes and many many sets of hair rollers, to homework help and poster painting, to Eggo waffle making and driving lessons, I am so blessed to have parents who have encouraged and nurtured me. And the support has continued as I’ve grown up, gotten married and moved away. I know the moving away part wasn’t exactly in my parents’ plan, but I am so grateful for their understanding.

My parents aren’t the only ones who raised me, though. I had aunts and uncles and cousins (oh my!) who have all played vital roles in my life: from the cards and encouragement, to teaching me in Sunday School and Youth, to encouraging love of music and culture, I wouldn’t be who I am without them. And I think it’s pretty clear now how I feel about my grandmothers: Nan, who makes the best biscuits in the world and knows how to get a stain out of anything, and Maymee who I lost this summer, are 2 of the strongest, best women I know. And who can forget my bro, Lewis Tate. From the outside, we’re pretty different people. Tate is 7 years older than I am, and he’s a boy. Growing up, we didn’t have much in common, or like each other much, if we’re honest. (Okay, I liked him ‘cause he had cute older friends, and he didn’t like me ‘cause I was his annoying little sis). But as I’ve grown up and he’s gotten older, I realize that Tate and I have this unexplainable bond. He understands me, and why I think the way I do about a lot of things. I’m so grateful to have his advice and his listening ear in a lot of situations. I’m also grateful that he married a really awesome girl and that they have the 2 coolest kids EVER.

And now, for about a year, I’m so blessed with a group of in-laws who love and treat me like I’m their own. I feel like my family has doubled in size, and that feels good.

Friends

As you grow up and branch out (for me that started young, at daycare), you realize that your family won’t be with you everywhere you go, so it will be necessary to form relationships with people outside that unit. I am beyond blessed to have had some of the most wonderful people surrounding me over these past 23 years.

I’m thankful for friends who listen and speak truth to me (even when I don’t want to hear it). I’m thankful for encouragers, for the fun friends who share new music with me, for friends who inspire me. I’m thankful for friends who disciple me, and who make me want to be better. I’m thankful for the fights I’ve had with friends, which have taught me how to make peace and mend fences. I’m thankful for friends who cry with me, friends who share in my joy. Friends who pray with me and for me.

So, friends out there, you who have put up with me and my awkwardness, my selfishness, my perfectionism and unrealistic expectations – I’m so grateful for you, for sticking with me, for loving me well, and for helping me want to love others just the same.

And now, what I’m learning is that a lot of times, as you grow up, especially when you live far away from your biological family, your friends become like family. It’s kind of crazy, but I don’t feel like I just have 1 brother any more – I have lots of them, and sisters, too!

Today, I am taking the time to thank the Lord for the blessing of family and of friends, people whose love and support for me mean so much more than they will know, who have shaped my life in so many ways, and without whom I’d be lost and lonely.

Note: Don’t worry, I haven’t left Matt out completely from this thankful list. I’ll be thankful for him in a couple of weeks, probably around our anniversary :-)

A New Day

So, it's been a while. Too long, in fact, since I sat down and blogged. I find this time oddly therapeutic so I know I should definitely do it more, but lately I've just felt out of sorts. July was a hard month. Matt and I traveled to Knoxville for a few days to spend some time with family, and just over a week later I headed back up to say goodbye to my sweet Maymee. The next week I took the first section of the CPA exam, and nearly had a nervous breakdown in the meantime. (Okay maybe the nervous breakdown part is a bit of an exaggeration, but there were some rough moments). I was just so out of my routine and felt pulled in so many directions. So, suffice to say, I was relieved to flip the calendar page to a new month.

And what a month it has been. On August 1, we traded in the keys to the Loft (which, may I remind you was 300 square feet) for the keys to a roomy new apartment (at least triple the size) with a front porch and picket fence to boot! We've been settling in, unpacking and organizing this past week, and making plans for ways we can continue to make the place even more "us". The truth is, as thankful as we are for the opportunity afforded to us through the Loft, neither of us ever really settled there. I never got the chance to nest or paint or really decorate. I think it was because we knew how temporary it was.

Anyway, I wanted to post a few pictures of the new place.




View from the front door.

Note: We will be painting over the bright red walls in the near future.








The other side of the living room. We are the proud owners of this, our first couch. It's a sleeper sofa, so visitors, feel free to come on down!

Also, notice our lovely bookshelf which we put together in only 3 very long, stressful hours.

This is the view from the living room, through the kitchen area back into the bedroom and bathroom. Our new place is a New Orleans-style shotgun, which means you have to walk through each of the rooms to get from the front of the house to the back.

We'll try to be good about posting pictures more regularly as we make changes and update the place.

As for me, I'm feeling more at home here every day...and I'm feeling more myself. I think I'm finally coming out of my July funk and very much looking forward to what August (and beyond) has to offer.

Circle Game

One of my very favorite songs from childhood is by Joni Mitchell (thanks to my dad for his great taste in music). The song is entitled "Circle Game". I'm not sure if it was popular in its day, but from my first listen, I was hooked. The song is basically the story of a child growing up from toddler years through young adulthood.

The chorus of the song says:
" And the seasons, they go 'round and 'round
And the painted ponies go up and down
We're captive on a carousel of time
We can't return, we can only look behind
From where we came
And go round and round and round
In the circle game."

I was back in Knoxville a couple of weeks ago, and this song seemed to be the anthem of my trip. I arrived on a Saturday, and headed to my parents' house to see my nephew and celebrate his 12th birthday. From there, I proceeded to the hospital to visit my sweet Maymee (see previous post for more info). I talked with her some, watched her sleep some, and cried a good bit. In that first day I was able to celebrate the vitality and youthful energy of my nephew and cousins and to see my grandmother struggling to continue living.

Throughout the course of my visit, I shared coffee with a dear friend whose marriage seems to be falling apart and had lunch with another friend who was asked me to stand up as a bridesmaid in her wedding. I was an emotional wreck by the end of my visit - exhausted by the constant rise and fall, surrounded by such joy and such sorrow. The thing is, I didn't realize at the time, but it was all so beautiful - even the hard parts.

With this week of experience behind me, I've been thinking a lot about life and death; beginnings and endings; my own idea of 'good' vs. 'bad' things, 'happy' vs. 'sad' events. And all of this contemplating led to me spend some time reading and praying. Today I came to the passage in Ecclesiastes 3, which states that "For everything there is a season". There is "a time to be born and a time to die"; "a time to weep and a time to laugh"; "a time to mourn and a time to dance". I'm still working through and processing this passage. For right now, however, I am finding comfort in the fact that God says that "that there is a time for everything". I know that the timing is HIS - that He is in control and that Romans 8:28 is true: He is working ALL THINGS for GOOD (not necessarily happiness, but GOOD).

So, I am going to choose to be thankful for and to see the beauty in everything because I am trusting 1) that it is in God's timing and 2) He is working through ALL of those things for the good of those who love Him.


Enough rambling for now...back to studying. CPA Exam (part 1) in approximately 4 weeks!

One of "Those Days"

Today has been a hard day.

I got a message from my brother earlier about my sweet Maymee. She is 92 years old, and one of the best storytellers ever. She also loves Jesus, a lot, and I want to be like her when I grow up. But, being 92 comes with its challenges. Today's challenge was that her legs were hurting her so badly that she could not stand up from the chair she was sitting in. My brother went to her house to try and help, but she is too proud for that. So, she just stayed in her chair. Angry, I'm sure, and frustrated and sad. Besides her failing body, Maymee has been struggling with loneliness, especially in the past couple of years. My Pap died when I was 10, and she's recently lost her little sister as well as a dear friend and Sunday school student. I can only imagine the isolation that comes with being the last of your generation in a community. I'm sure that as much as we all love and respect her no one truly understands her, because we haven't lived through the same life span she has.

This is Maymee and I at one of our wedding showers last summer.





Just a few minutes ago, I found out that my other grandmother, Nan, who played an integral role in raising me, has an infection because she cut her hand last week. Her skin is so thin and fragile, that the slightest bump or scratch tear it. She's also losing mobility quickly, and she's not able to do the things she is used to being able to do. This woman, who inspired in me the love of food and hospitality, can't garden or cook or clean up the way she would like. She can't go out to the mall or to eat for as long as she'd like. She's just tired.


Nan with my 2 nephews a couple of summers ago.















This is definitely one of the hardest things about living 9 hours away from my family. I can't be there to hug or love or do for or comfort these ladies who have meant so much to me.

So, this post could just be a rant or a vent or something of that sort. But, it isn't going to be that, because we serve a God who promises to be our Comforter. I'm choosing to let Him comfort me, and I pray that my grandmothers will feel His comfort, too.

Some awesome promises from God and reminders about His goodness to us:

Even to your old age and gray hairs I am he, I am he who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you. Isaiah 46:4
(especially cool for my lovely grandmothers)

Shout for joy, O heavens; rejoice, O earth; burst into song, O mountains! For the LORD comforts his people and will have compassion on his afflicted ones. Isaiah 49:13

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4


So tonight, after one of "those days", instead of being sad, I am living in the Lord's promise of comfort. I can feel it in me. I can feel His peace. Praising Him for that tonight.

The In Between

Tonight I will take my last final of graduate school. Then, next Friday - May 14, 2010 - I will receive my Master's degree. At this point I have no plans of going back to school for my Ph.D., so it looks like my 17-year relationship with the education system is coming to an end, and quickly. I have been so looking forward to this day for so long. I am tired of the tests and papers and endless (and sometimes pointless) homework assignments. I'm tired of having to stay up late stressing about whether or not I have a good enough grasp on the information in front of me. Basically, I'm tired of school.

I found out a couple of weeks ago that I will be starting my big girl job in October. It is finally time for me to put my accounting skills to work. I am so excited for this new opportunity, this new challenge. But, if I'm completely honest with myself, I'm also a little - or a lot- scared. I feel like over the past couple of years, I've spent so much time looking forward to this moment, being free from the bonds of school and open to explore the working world. But now that it is here, I am afraid. It is uncertain. School was certain. Even when I moved to New Orleans last year and started at a new university, I pretty much knew what to expect. Schools, in general, are pretty similar: there are professors, and books and I understood the expectations on me. Now, I'm going to be starting work where I will have a different boss for each client I'm on. I'm sure it will take time for me to figure out what exactly each of my bosses expects of me. And then there are the unspoken expectations about how smart I am. Do I really know the material I learned in school in an applicable way? Or did I just learn by rote memorization, just long enough to pass a test? Was it a good choice to hire me? Should they keep me around? Scary stuff. Lots of pressure.

So, today, with many thoughts floating in my head (remembering and cherishing my school years and anticipating the adventures that are to come) I am very grateful to have this summer. It will be my In Between. I am done with school, but I won't have a full time job yet. I'm hoping to take that time to process all these thoughts and emotions, to prepare myself for the future. I'll be working part-time and studying for the CPA exam. I'll be riding my new bike around Uptown. I'll be visiting Knoxville, my family, and old friends. I'll be going to the beach. And most importantly I'll have free time, for probably the only time in my life. I'll have time to think and read and swing on the front porch and process all these things.

I share all of that to say that I'm glad that God gives us good gifts. For me, my In Between is one gift I am very much looking forward to. It is something I very much need.